Legally Trashy: A Romance Novel

I must admit, I’ve never been big on reading traditional romance novels.  Not that I have anything against them — I mean seriously? who doesn’t like a muscle-bound Scottish dude rescuing a heroine with heaving breasts from a loveless arranged marriage? — but I’d rather read a fiction novel with a romance in it.

I’m a huge fantasy geek.  So, give me that same tired romance novel plot, but toss it into a setting with magic and fantastical creatures, and I am all over it.

I remember finding a novel in my dad’s bookshelf about a dude who was a King of the Wolves, and he had to have sex with a wolf bitch, to give her a litter and renew the magical bond between his bloodline and the wolves or something.  He dutifully followed through (and by “dutifully” I mean he ended up totally enjoying himself as he grabbed fistfuls of fur and admired her shivering haunches), then returned to his human love interest and was all angsty-emo about oh how could I cheat on my woman with a wolf etc etc. Of course, he ended up confessing what he’d done with the wolf, and she was very accepting of it all, sort of a “well dear, that’s your destiny, I guess that’s just what happens, teehee!”  Then they totally did the deed for like eleven pages.

Yeah, that was MY FAVOURITE novel for a long time.

So if I were in a romance novel, it’d definitely be set in some fantasy world.

There are some great figures in my life I could draw inspiration from: the devoted, overworked mother, the distant, cruel father who marries the evil, jealous stepmother.  I could have the love that is so overwhelming it crosses the line into hatred and shatters me emotionally, followed by the eventual reclamation of self and finding true love with someone who had lingered on the fringes of my social circle.

But to be honest, I don’t think I want to be in a romance novel that mirrored my real life relationships too closely.  I want something to escape into (again, going back to the fantasy thing).

I have always been enamoured with courtesan characters in novels.  Maia by Richard Adams (now you know where I got my daughter’s name), the Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey, and the story of Fantine in Les Misérables all inspire me; I’ve got something like twenty thousand words written in a novel based around a courtesan-type character.

I’d be one.

A high-end one.

Beautiful, artistic, the consummate conversationalist, a woman working the upper echelon of society, embroiled in pillow talk with politicians and businessmen, in a fictional world based on Crusade-era Turkey (I have a serious brain hard-on for all of your stereotypical Arabic trappings… put me in the middle of Disney’s Aladdin and I’d be all like HELL YEAH).

Yet I would have some deep inner sadness, because really, I’m working for the man, I’m totally having to give someone else all the money I make, and that just sucks.  Also, my younger sister is being trained to enter the same line of work I am, and that’s just horrible; I know how kinky people who pay for sex are.  No way do I want to see her become part of this world, so I’m trying desperately to save up money to buy a way out for her — something I reveal to a client.

This client takes pity on me and buys my little sister’s freedom, taking her into his household as sort of an adopted daughter.  But since I’m now in his debt, he expects me to begin revealing political secrets to him so he can advance himself.  If I don’t, well, he has my sister in his care, and she’ll pay the price.

(Somewhere, my sister is reading this, shaking her head, and being really thankful this is just a vagary of my mind, not reality.)

Anyhow, I’m now somewhat of a spy, and I’m not terribly happy with it.  My client requests to take me on a trip with him to a distant court, and at our destination, he leaves me to do my thing, gathering information, while he hobnobs with the elite.  I end up “doing my thing” with the lord’s son, who is of course dashing and handsome. We totally fall in love, and over the course of my client’s stay at this distant court, I confess everything to my new lover, at which time we conceive a plot (not a baby, no one ever gets inconveniently pregnant in romance novels) to discredit my client, rescue my sister, and live happily ever after together.

My name would be something relatively short, starting with a vowel, containing the “s” sound, and probably not ending with an “a” — I don’t know what, though, cause names take me forever to come up with.  Also, somewhere in there is magic, and we definitely go on a dragon ride at some point as well.  And I dual wield sabres, which are totally badass.

But no one has sex with a wolf.

Because, dudettes? That’s just messed up.

If you were in a romance novel, what would be your name/story?