Thank you thank you thank you, Katy, for this hi-effing-larious guest post.  PS:  You’re totally hot.

I like dudes…even ugly ones because, hey – love is for everyone, right? In  fact, I love them so much I’m dedicating my first blogwriting thinger to men who don’t tickle my fancy, but I’d bang marry anyway.

To begin, I’m nothing special. In fact, I can’t even look hot in my own imagination. Right now I have braces (not that swanky invisalign stuff – the metal ones…with rubber bands) and I’m probably about 15 pounds heavier than I should be. For me, thinking, damn I’d like to get with Saywer on that island is completely silly. I can’t even picture it without getting a bit depressed. I’m all – hey, baby. and he’s all laughing. It’s not good.

Super attractive people freak me out. It’s not that I don’t appreciate their hotness – it’s just that it’s not practical for me. I just can summon up the imaginative powers to give myself longer, hotter legs, damnit. So, it’s not meant to be – even in my libidinous
mind.

However, it’s a bit different with me thinking – dude, that Michael Ian Black is something special. I mean, he’s not hideous or ugly or anything, but he’s also not that spectacular in the face. Just like me, he’s a bit average. And you know what? He makes me laugh my ass off. He’s the kind of guy that would stop, mid sex escapade and say all serious, “Hey, can I borrow five bucks?”

I like that. It seems more real to me. I’d marry Mr. Black even though he’s no Sawyer.

I’d walk down the aisle in a dress that attempted to hide my flaws, beaming at the goofy bastard all the way. Why? Because talent is extremely attractive. In fact, I’ve got loads undesirables I’d marry; I venture to guess we all do. Dude, Julia married Lyle – who are your fuggos?

My dirty half dozen include the aforementioned Michal Ian Black as well as men from all aspects of entertainment. While the term “sexy” is clearly defined differently from person to person, I’ve gotten quite a few “Ewwww” reactions from the following men. However, you might have standards as low as mine and wonder why they’re here instead of the “Fine Five” list:

I would love to marry Brendan Fraser’s buggy eyeballs because I’m a fan of that look. (See also, Harry Connick Jr.) Yes, his face is weird. Admit it. There’s possibly something wrong with it even, but since you saw him in George of the Jungle you have an odd tingle every time you see a banana at the grocery store. I know I do. I love you and your wonky face Mr. Fraser.

Speaking of George of the Jungle, I’d totally marry the monkey from that film too. John Cleese. He looks like a lemur, so the casting as a member of the ape family was fitting. And, interestingly enough – lemurs are his favorite animal. For Mr. Cleese, I’d learn to love the lemur too – just as long as he did the idiot race and silly walks on command.

I’d squeeze the crap out of Robert Smith from The Cure and even vow to wear Reeboks daily because he is possibly the best songwriter ever. I mean really – even South Park has acknowledged that. Mr.Smith, you’re mine, bitch.

I’d smother David Bowie with home cooking and beat the crap out of Iman just to stare into those mis-colored eyeballs. He’s been one of deepest loves since I saw Labyrinth at Dana’ Craft’s birthday party when I was eight. Croon to me and wear lycra, David. Go ahead, I don’t mind.

I’d also fawn over Nick Cave’s hideous hair styles and amazing creativity. He’s looked hot like once in his life, but every photo thereafter he looks like a serial killer. And you know what? I’m okay with that.

Another wonky-faced gent that makes me swoon is Chris Isaac. I can never spell his damn name, and kind of hate him for that – but I’d let it slide in the name of matrimony. His nose is weird, I never watched his sitcom and his performance in Silence of the Lambs was forgettable (yea, he’s totally in that movie. He’s the cop – in the elevator), but I’d marry him anyway. I’d marry him for his Elvis-copying ways because, hell, the real Elvis is dead. He may be a sad replacement facially – but his voice works alright for me.

***I’d also like to add the addendum that I totally think The Jonas Brothers are ugly. No amount of talent can make them hot. Also – shop in the men’s sections please. When you wear jeans like that, I immediately begin to speculate as to why your balls still haven’t dropped.***