I’ve been having sex since 2004. I was 19, and my “first time” was something of an accident. Since then, the sex has dramatically
improved, and I’ve been able to have fun somewhere other than the bedroom of a boy-man who lives at home while his mother puts around upstairs.
I’m going to count oral sex in my “crazy” places list, because I was far crazier when younger. Right now, the craziest place we have sex is the living room floor, and that’s because our bedroom is a fucking mess.
The Forest Floor
First of all, let me say this: DO NOT DO THIS. It’s crazy, NOT sexy. There is nothing sexy about bugs, no matter how pretty the forest floor looks with golden beams of light streaming in through the trees and multi-colored leaves blanketing dirt. It doesn’t even matter if you lay on a ratty blanket from the back of your parents’ car or your jean jacket. Also, if multi-colored leaves are blanketing the dirt, it’s Autumn you dumbass, and it just might be cold when you get naked. DUH.
Ok I’m straying from the oral sex thing here too. This was just one fucking hot makeout session. But I WANTED TO HAVE SEX with him. So I am counting it, yes?
We weren’t dating, he was my ex-boyfriend’s best friend and my boss’s son. We were in a tiny little real estate office where we both worked. He was class president and had a huge fucking cock. And I wanted him to bang me. He pulled one of those moves where after we started kissing, he picked me up, I wrapped my legs around him and he held me up against the wall.
I’d never wanted to be ravaged before, but that’s all I could think. That, and “wow his tongue is as huge as his dick.”
The Rehearsal Dressing Room
With the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, oral sex only, in a dark dressing room in the high school after hours (but during rehearsals for the concert band, apparently. oops) on a dirty carpet but we didn’t care, because his parents didn’t want us to be together and we felt like Romeo and Juliet. You know, until he broke my heart a few months later.
The Movie Theatre
This is crazy, and skeevy, and dangerous, because when you get tattled on and caught by a cop, you may not be as lucky as I was. You may not be able to remind the cop that he is clearly married but was just recently propositioning my mother out in the parking lot of a convenience store, and he might not let you off the hook, this time.
The Soundproof Rehearsal Room at the Music College
Baby grand piano. Sound proof room. Yes, it is small and a little bit cold, but Teh Sex will heat it right up, thankyouverymuch. He made up for our crappy “first time” with that performance. Oh and that desk in the corner helps with leverage.
Also, it’s not as sound proof as you think. The trombone player next door totally heard us.
Bathroom of your new boyfriend’s best friend’s house right after you met them
Bathrooms are NOT soundproof. In fact, they are like echo chambers. This means that when you BOTH walk out of the bathroom a little drunk and your face is flaming and your hair is mussed and he pretends that we were in there together because (wait for it) “She likes to make me nervous by watching me pee” (WTF?!?!?!!) they aren’t going to believe you. Because they heard your orgasm.
Great first impression, btw.
Couch of Aforementioned Now-Husband’s Best Friend’s House While Best Friend and Wife Also Fuck on Loveseat
We were very drunk. Also, we concieved our first child. I’m sure she can’t wait to hear this story.
Alright, I showed you mine, now you show me yours!