1. My husband’s [...]]]> Here is a short (heh) list of the things that have irritated and/or pissed me off the in the last 24-48 hours. I would love to hear yours, so make sure you grab a button and participate. Or you’ll be next on the list of things for me to bitch about, y’hear?!

1. My husband’s farts. The man is a like a goddamn gas factory and he has only recently (upon prompting by my STARE of DEATH) started using air freshener. Usually, it goes something like this:
Him: ::stealthily farts and says nothing::
Me: ::sniffs the air, wondering which kid is poopy::
Me: ::sniffs again:: ::realizes that’s not a kid poopy smell::
Me: DaddyGeek, did you just FART?!
Him: ::sheepish look::
Me: ::kills him with rocket blaster::

I am a mother. Part of my job is sniffing out poop. If you are going to fucking fart, I need a headsup, asshole.

2. When the HR Exec at my former company who is offering me a job again tells me yesterday at 9:12am that he will get back to me within 24 hours and it’s 9:53am and I HAVE NO PHONE CALL OR OFFER. Whore.

3.  My kids were sick day before yesterday and I had to be out of work. It’s the third sick day I’ve had to take this year, but that doesn’t annoy me. What annoys me is my Douchebag McBoss’ email at 9pm that day after ignoring my emails ALL DAY that reminds me how many sick days I’ve taken and asks me to be mindful and plan them better. THEY ARE FUCKING SICK DAYS. THERE IS NO PLANNING. I didn’t jet off to fucking Mexico with no notice, you bitch. I was CLEANING UP SHIT ALL DAY.

4.  I ran out of wine last night when I thought I had two glasses left. I had a third of a glass. Yes, I drank it anyway.

5.  My 3.5 year old isn’t potty trained yet, because she refuses to go potty. She KNOWS HOW, but she refuses. Except at night. As soon as her pretty little head hits the pillow, suddenly the girl CANNOT LIVE with a wet pull-up/diaper. I don’t think I need to explain any further how fucking annoying that is.

6.  There are only 24 hours in a day.

7.  My Starbucks Vanilla Latte today had too much foam and I feel cheated somehow.

8.  I have forgotten my wallet for THREE days in a row because the baby put it in a desk drawer and I keep forgetting to take it out.

9.  My hair is frizzy.

10. I don’t hardly ever use toner, but the day I do, I forget that I broke open a damn pimple on my chin and I put toner on it and OH GOD it burns.

11.  I put my belly button ring back in but it just makes my stomach look fatter, and I feel uncool. I haven’t taken it back out, though, because I only got to wear this damn thing for a few weeks before I got pregnant the first time, and I feel as though I’m missing out on something.

12. Speaking of fat tummies, during the last week of my so-called “diet” I have gained 3 pounds. This may be because I didn’t ACTUALLY diet, and was more pretending to diet than anything else, but one should not gain weight on a pretend diet. It should be illegal.

13. The protective case for my phone broke.

14. There are only 24 hours in a day and I spend too many of them awake and not cuddling my pillow.

This list might make me sound like a bitch. For the record I only complained audibly about half of these things, and usually to my husband. He doesn’t listen to me anyway, so it doesn’t count.

15.  It’s 10am and I still don’t have an offer. DAMMIT.

Me: So who would go on your list?

Him: I was thinking Kate Beckinsale.

Me: Oh, good [...]]]> In the planning stages of my list (I’m a Ross, what can I say) I brainstormed with a friend of mine. The conversation we had illustrates our goal here today quite well:

Me: So who would go on your list?

Him: I was thinking Kate Beckinsale.

Me: Oh, good call. She’s hot. But she always seems a little … flighty … in interviews.

Him: Uh, we’re not making a list of 5 celebrities we want to grow old with here.

Ah, excellent point, nameless internet friend. With that in mind, I made my list, waffled a LOT, and then changed my mind. My husband and I have spent countless nights mulling over and razzing each other about our respective lists, but we’ve never settled down on a Final Five. This, my friends, is a list 10 years in the making. Is this the same as laminating it? Because if you ask me in a week, it might look completely different. I am a fickle, fickle girl.

1. John Krasinski

Duh. If you aren’t watching The Office, start watching it right now. This dude makes goofy look hot. Or does he make hot look goofy? Regardless, he’s got an endearing charm about him. Also, he’s tall. Tall is my favorite.

2. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Also tall. NOT goofy. I’m a complete sucker for the scruffy lumberjack type. Another bonus: his characters are always dead. Izzy got it on with Ghost Denny, and that is TOTALLY not cheating. Seriously, I shouldn’t even have to use a spot on him, with the deadness, but I’m going to play nice and do so anyway.

3. Taye Diggs

Not tall, but sweet golly hot potato, that is one beautiful man.

4. Zooey Deschanel

She rocks my socks in anything she does, is remarkably quirky, and just seems cool in her own skin. Definitely my top girl crush of the moment.

5. Nathan Fillion

Bam, said the lady. I have had a thing for him since he was Joey Buchanan on One Life to Live. Which was probably inappropriate because I think I was 12 at the time. But, dude! I’m totally legal now. Tweet me!

So who’s on your list? Join up on the Mr. Linky (with your permalink, please) and make us wish we’d picked your five. If you don’t have a blog, share in the comments!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk. Err … reviewing your submissions.